I have been thinking about this topic a lot lately and have really struggled with the best way to explain and write about it. But I think it is so extremely crucial for parents to talk about, and to understand. It is the parenting phase I like to call the "fifth trimester".
We all know what the first, second, and third trimester is. It's when you are pregnant, carrying that little peanut around, planning your future. The color of the nursery. Your hopes, goals, and dreams. Wondering, more like hoping they will come on their due date.
Then the "fourth" trimester comes. That wonderful newborn phase. The sleepless nights, the arguing over who changed that last poopy diaper. The battle of who has had the most "breaks" today. Let's face it, the newborn months are ridiculously hard. But that precious baby is so worth it.
Then we have what I like to call the "fifth trimester". This is the magical moment when you finally give away your life, your own life, and you realize your entire life is revolved around your little family.
While many people are thinking, "um, I already did that when I got pregnant, or when my baby was born," I beg to differ.
See, after your little one arrives you are still trying to have time for yourself. You are battling with your husband (or partner) about who does more, or who does less.
But what the "fifth trimester" brings you is the real happiness. You don't feel resentful that you haven't slept a solid night in three years. You aren't worried about the mess, the toys, the dirty laundry. You just look at your kids and realize you would do anything to make sure they are happy, and you couldn't imagine in a million years life without them.
Sure, things are still difficult, but that is life right?
Now my point in talking about all of this is not to just inform you of the different phases you are going through. The deep part of all this is that you are doing the "fifth trimester" WITH your partner. And the sad reality, is that many of us are not. If you truly want to have a successful relationship with your partner than you have to be on the same page with this. If one parent has entered the "fifth trimester" and runs a 24 hour day on making sure their kids are taken care of, while the other parent is still consistently living in the past of needing "me time" then things will be rocky and it just isn't fun.
I am not saying you can't have "me time" or hang out with your friends. But it has to be even. If it isn't even then I can almost promise that there are going to be resentful feelings.
There was definitely a time in my marriage where I was resentful toward my husband for going fishing, or playing softball. And it wasn't because I wasn't allowed to do my own things, but it was because I didn't feel comfortable leaving my kids, so I never did.
This was a very difficult stage to work through. But once I started to leave my kids, even for an hour or so, everything did change. See what I mean? That's back to the whole "being on the same page" thing. And I really do believe that is what so many couples struggle with. When one parent is putting everything they have into their children, while the other parent is off playing and just cashing in on the perks but never the tough stuff, it is just unhealthy and negative.
If you want to have a successful marriage, and parenting future, you have to make sure to always keep that open communication up. You have to voice that while you are cooking dinner, you want your partner to help you by playing with the kids, or setting the table. You can't just assume they will know what you want them to help with. Entering into the "fifth trimester" means you both have 24 hour jobs. Not just one of you.
And even though you will both have your strengths and weaknesses, you are respecting one another's abilities and appreciating all that they do.
I may be the one that gets up all night with the kids, but I know for a fact that if I needed my husbands help, he would be there to help. And I understand the fact that he works very early in the morning and he needs sleep, and can't function nearly as well as I do on little sleep. It's all about finding the balance and lifting each other up.
Get everything out of your head that you thought you knew and thought things would be like. And start appreciating your partner and all that they do. And get on the same page with your family and kids. The key to a successful relationship is not about who is right, or who does more. It is about building up your strengths, working together on weaknesses, keeping open communications. and never stop growing!
Well I could go on forever about the fifth trimester but that's all for now.
