Here's to you, third trimester.

As promised, my next blog post is my birth story. And how very fitting as it all started three weeks ago, today...
Remember that weekend that actually felt like summer? It was 80 degrees all weekend. We had the air-conditioning on, I even floated in the kid pool with my kiddos. It was a perfect weekend. Hubby barbecued all weekend. Sunday night we had bratwurst with spicy mustard. We stayed up late. Kids didn't even go to bed until almost 10pm. I was six days past my due date but didn't feel like baby was coming anytime soon. We went to bed around 11pm. 
It was 2:30am and I woke up tossing and turning and just not feeling very good. I knew I had drank a ton of water so I decided to get up and go to the bathroom. The second I climbed out of bed, I felt like I was starting to pee. I rushed to the bathroom, thinking I was peeing my pants, and the second I stepped foot in the bathroom a huge gush of water covered the floor. My water broke! Never in a million years did I think my water would break on it's own. With my first two kiddos, my midwives had to break my water. 
I called to my hubby, who I could see from the bathroom, and told him my water broke. He sprung out of bed like a kid on Christmas grinning from ear to ear. I hopped in the shower where my water continued to leak like crazy. Justin called our midwife and since I wasn't having any contractions, she encouraged us to get some sleep until things picked up. 
We layed in bed, 3:30am rolled around and contractions started. And just like with my other babes, they came on like a storm and hit me back to back, no breaks! We started getting everything ready because, third baby, and we weren't ready. lol. 
5am rolled around and the car was packed, kids rolled out of bed and we took off. We went and dropped the kids off with our pal, so she could feed, dress, and meet us at the birth center. 
It was 6am when we pulled into the birth center. My contractions were back to back and there was NO BREAK. I was 7cm and having the worst back pain. 
Baby was posterior and every contraction made me feel like my back was breaking. After about an hour it was clear that baby wasn't in the best position and wasn't dropping down into the right position. My cervix was also starting to swell. Now comes the fun part. In order to get baby in a better position I had to spend time in positions that were horribly painful. I had to lay on each side, on my hands and knees, on my back, all things that felt awful. And here comes the TMI, which you knew was coming because you are reading a birth story , hehe. My midwife had to physically keep my cervix back while I was contracting, so that the head could finally clear and I would be able to push. 
It was now time to push and I was able to get into the tub to have the water birth I had planned. Within minutes baby's head was out. But that was it. Nothing else. Baby was STUCK! My midwife told me I needed to get out of the tub. But the head was out, I didn't move and looked at her like she was crazy. Then in a very serious voice she told me I needed to get out of the tub, NOW. I flew, head first out of the tub as fast as I could, with Justin pulling me by one arm. I didn't know what was going on but I was worried. 
There we were, all of us on the ground, next to the tub. I was on my hands and knees, the last position I would have picked to deliver my baby. But still, baby wasn't coming out. With my midwives manually trying to turn baby, and me pushing, I heard her tell the assistant she needed the episiotomy scissors. You know what that means right? Oh hell no did I want to be cut and stitched. I pushed as hard as I possibly could and baby finally came out. 
There baby laid on the floor, stunned, not crying or moving. The legs positioned just right that you still couldn't tell if baby was a boy or girl. I reached over and moved baby's legs and looked at Justin, "It's a girl!!" He was in shock, he thought for sure she was a boy. She was HUGE. We started rubbing her. My midwife then said, "she has a couple more seconds to cry or we need to cut the cord and get her breathing". Just then she took a big breath and started crying. All was good, and she was perfect. 
We could not believe how big she was, 11lb 2oz and 22 1/2 inches long. Our biggest baby by far. 
The reason she was not coming out was because she had Shoulder Dystocia. The definition is: a specific case of obstructed labour where after the delivery of the head, the anterior should of the infant cannot pass below, or requires significant manipulation to pass below, the pubic symphysis. It is diagnosed when the shoulders fail to deliver shortly after the fetal head. 
Scary thing about Should Dystocia is that 20% of babies suffer injuries from it, either permanent or temporary. Injuries like broken arms, broken collar bones, etc. Luckily, our baby girl did not break any bones. Phew!
And while it seemed like it took forever, I actually only pushed for 18 minutes, and Shilo Jane was born at 8:35am. 
In the room, I had the most amazing partner at my side at every moment. I also had an amazing team that included my wonderful midwife, fantastic birth assistant, and rockstar photographer. They were the dream team! 
In the waiting room was family and friends. We had so much support, we are truly blessed!
We were in the car and headed home by 11:30am. 

Terrified with an "F bomb"

Well here I am, 39 1/2 weeks pregnant. The end IS here. At some point in the next couple weeks we will have a new baby. Everyone keeps asking me "you ready?" or "are you excited to be done?" or from the random strangers "you look like you are ready to be done".  Of course I give off the usual "yes, can't wait" or something along those lines. But the true reality is I am fucking terrified. Yep, baby number three and terrified. 

Birth is no joke. It is hands down the hardest thing you will ever do and completely scary to think about. Thank you social media for all the horror stories you hear on a regular basis. Or the many moms who have told me that their third baby was their most difficult labor. Total peace of mind. Not really... 

I am not looking forward to labor, to pushing, or my favorite part, when they have to massage your stomach AFTER birth. Like what kind of sick torture is that? If you have had a baby, you know what I am talking about, it is terrible. (I would hope they don't do that to you if you have cesarean though, ouch!) 

Don't get me wrong, I can't wait to meet my little peanut and FINALLY know if my little one is a boy or girl. I had an ultrasound yesterday to check baby position and could see some very chubby cheeks and baby was even licking, it was so cute! It definitely made me more excited. But all that other stuff, the sleepless nights, the nursing, the healing after labor, ugh... I am not looking forward to it. 

And remember my last post about postpartum depression? I know it is coming, and quite frankly, it may already be here. I hate that feeling of uncontrolled emotions, it's exhausting. I am so beyond thankful to be heading into summer where I will get so much vitamin D and family time. But you can't control when you are fighting a chemical imbalance, it has to run it's course. 

I know things will be fine... eventually. I feel like I really start to like my kids around 3 months. I know that sounds terrible, but it's true. I feel like I finally get to know them and they get to know me. Before 3 months I am in pure survival mode. Taking care of everyone, meeting all the needs, figuring out likes and dislikes, and still maintaining my sanity. 

So yes, I am ready to be done. I am ready to be done with the contractions, sleepless nights, and swollen feet. But I am not quite ready for what comes next... birth. Thankfully I am so damn stubborn that I get through it, but man, that is some serious business. 

My baby is currently hanging out posterior, which makes labor intense, and babies late. So I am working on getting this baby in the right position. Send good thoughts this way! Let this baby just "fall right out" haha.. and I will be happy. 

Don't ever, for one second, think you have to be in this alone. Find your support system. My hubby is great and I have built an unstoppable tribe of family and friends. You have to build your tribe. You can't just let it come to you. Put yourself out there, be honest about what you are going through, everyone is fighting some sort of battle you know nothing about. I will never stop talking about postpartum depression because it is so important to be talked about and supported. It sucks and you don't have to do it alone. 

I know my next post will be my birth story and I can't wait to share it with you. I appreciate you all more than you will ever know.

Planning on kicking postpartums ass.

If you have ever had a deep parenting conversation with me, you have heard me talk about postpartum depression. I like to throw it around as casually as one talks about brand of diapers, favorite bottles, and best carseat, because it's just about that common. 
Whenever I bring it up I have big, wide eyes on me. It always throws people off. I know our society is in favor of hiding mental illness. Why on earth would we ever want to normalize something that so many people suffer from? But it is real and almost every single mother I meet has dealt with some sort of postpartum depression. 

What is postpartum depression you ask? Well, I wish I could answer that, but unfortunately I can't. Here is Wikipedia's short version: Postpartum depression (PPD), also called postnatal depression, is a type of clinical depression which can affect both sexes after childbirth. Symptoms may include sadness, low energy, changes in sleeping and eating patterns, reduced desire for sex, crying episodes, anxiety, and irritability. While many women experience self-limited, mild symptoms postpartum, postpartum depression should be suspected when symptoms are severe and have lasted over two weeks.

The problem with this description is what it's not telling you. It is not telling you that it can happen while pregnant, or years after baby is even born. There are so many different spectrums of this depression, there is really no great information on how to deal with it as it effects everyone differently. 

For me, it was straight UGLY CRYING for days. I can still remember it like it was yesterday. With my first born, he was five days old and my husband was back to work after two days old. I cried, and cried, all day, every day. Nothing helped. I didn't know what was happening and everyone I reached out to didn't really know what was happening either. I think it was about three weeks of crying until I was finally sending texts to my husband like "I haven't cried at all today!" I was finally put in contact with a few momma's I knew in high school who had babies at the same time as me and were also going through similar things. It was life saving to have those women to talk to. We would text each other all day, checking in, venting, sobbing, etc. It helped get through he hard times and I was lucky enough to feel better rather quickly. The sobbing was about three weeks long, and the depression in general a few months. 
With my second child she was not even 24 hours old before the ugly crying began. I can remember sitting down to dinner with my husband holding our baby girl, my 2 1/2 year in his high chair and I would just have to get up and walk to our room because a new wave of tears was coming over me. I was so convinced I wouldn't have postpartum depression the second time around because it wasn't my "first rodeo" but boy was I wrong. I cried all day, every day. And even with my husband home, I cried at the idea of him returning to a work in a week. Everything was a mess. I cried for less time the second time though. It was a couple weeks of crying, then a few months of depression and I was out of the cloud. 
I can remember spending HOURS scrolling the internet trying to find help, but everyones story was different. I just wished it was simple, and there was a simple solution. I tried to find a councilor but they ones that my insurance covered dealt with depression in general, not specifically postpartum. I couldn't find any that specifically dealt with PPD and if infuriated me. How do we have this huge need for something and no help?
Well the most common advice was GET OUTSIDE. And we did. Even though my daughter was born in February, we were outside immediately and those days did definitely feel better. 
As I am gearing up for baby number three I KNOW I will have PPD. I am preparing my self for the inevitable that is a wicked ride of emotions. 
We very carefully planned to have a summer baby. There was no way I was doing a winter baby again, haha. So this time around I am banking on the sunshine, summertime to be a huge help. I am also working with a few essential oil ladies to get me set up with the best oils to use on my body and in my diffuser as well. I am also going to be encapsulating my placenta. And the other thing is swimming, I have been swimming since September and it makes me feel good, so I am crossing my fingers that I can get back into the pool 6 weeks postpartum and that will help as well. 
And of course the most important thing of all... MOMMA TRIBE!!! You MUST have a momma tribe. It is so extremely important to have other mommas you can vent to, cry to, talk poop to, because at the end of the day, you have to remember that your partner is working hard and they are also exhausted and can't talk all the nooks and crannies of your everyday with you. If you can help it, NEVER angry text, or even sad text them while they are working. I mean think about it, if they could be home and take away all your troubles, they would. But they are stuck at work, already feeling crummy that YOU are feeling crummy, and then you text them unhappy things and it just makes things so much harder. Always try to give them your positive and have a momma tribe to air out your negative. 

So now I ask YOU...
What are some things you found that helped you deal with PPD, baby blues? Anything I haven't mentioned? Or did I mention something that worked well for you? 
I would love to hear from you or just hear your story in general.