Terrified with an "F bomb"

Well here I am, 39 1/2 weeks pregnant. The end IS here. At some point in the next couple weeks we will have a new baby. Everyone keeps asking me "you ready?" or "are you excited to be done?" or from the random strangers "you look like you are ready to be done".  Of course I give off the usual "yes, can't wait" or something along those lines. But the true reality is I am fucking terrified. Yep, baby number three and terrified. 

Birth is no joke. It is hands down the hardest thing you will ever do and completely scary to think about. Thank you social media for all the horror stories you hear on a regular basis. Or the many moms who have told me that their third baby was their most difficult labor. Total peace of mind. Not really... 

I am not looking forward to labor, to pushing, or my favorite part, when they have to massage your stomach AFTER birth. Like what kind of sick torture is that? If you have had a baby, you know what I am talking about, it is terrible. (I would hope they don't do that to you if you have cesarean though, ouch!) 

Don't get me wrong, I can't wait to meet my little peanut and FINALLY know if my little one is a boy or girl. I had an ultrasound yesterday to check baby position and could see some very chubby cheeks and baby was even licking, it was so cute! It definitely made me more excited. But all that other stuff, the sleepless nights, the nursing, the healing after labor, ugh... I am not looking forward to it. 

And remember my last post about postpartum depression? I know it is coming, and quite frankly, it may already be here. I hate that feeling of uncontrolled emotions, it's exhausting. I am so beyond thankful to be heading into summer where I will get so much vitamin D and family time. But you can't control when you are fighting a chemical imbalance, it has to run it's course. 

I know things will be fine... eventually. I feel like I really start to like my kids around 3 months. I know that sounds terrible, but it's true. I feel like I finally get to know them and they get to know me. Before 3 months I am in pure survival mode. Taking care of everyone, meeting all the needs, figuring out likes and dislikes, and still maintaining my sanity. 

So yes, I am ready to be done. I am ready to be done with the contractions, sleepless nights, and swollen feet. But I am not quite ready for what comes next... birth. Thankfully I am so damn stubborn that I get through it, but man, that is some serious business. 

My baby is currently hanging out posterior, which makes labor intense, and babies late. So I am working on getting this baby in the right position. Send good thoughts this way! Let this baby just "fall right out" haha.. and I will be happy. 

Don't ever, for one second, think you have to be in this alone. Find your support system. My hubby is great and I have built an unstoppable tribe of family and friends. You have to build your tribe. You can't just let it come to you. Put yourself out there, be honest about what you are going through, everyone is fighting some sort of battle you know nothing about. I will never stop talking about postpartum depression because it is so important to be talked about and supported. It sucks and you don't have to do it alone. 

I know my next post will be my birth story and I can't wait to share it with you. I appreciate you all more than you will ever know.